HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So I just walk /jogged 3 mile. Which I believe is a 5K, it took me a little less then an hour I only jogged about 10% of it plus I am sure I jog like a little old lady. My Color Run 5K is this Saturday. I am afraid I am going to look like an idiot. What do I do? I don't want to look like this.

I thought I hit rock bottom but not yet.

So who wants me to explain my title?

Well good because its my blog and I was going to do it anyway. SO my last blog entry I felt a little like I had hit rock bottom. Which I thought was actually a good thing.

I have heard over and over again. Get "over the hump and its all down hill from there" and  "Once you hit rock bottom there is no place to go but up". But it feels like it is just getting harder.

For years I was lying to myself about being an emotional eater. I always thought that I was just someone who loved eating bad food just because it tastes good. I didn't think I was attaching it to any thing emotional. It has only been in the last few years that I have begun to understand how truly unhealthy my eating habits are.

I think the realization came to me one day when I was really depressed, it was the 5 year anniversary of my sisters death and I thought "I am just going to run through  a drive threw and that will make me feel better." So I did, and it did. That day I thought back to all the times things got difficult in my life. When I was a kid and my Dad had a heart attack, every single person we knew showed up on our door step with food. Every time someone in my family was sick, those sweet Mormon women would shower my family with food. The week of my sisters funeral was a 24/7 all you can eat buffet. Even in happy times, "Happy Birthday here's a cake" "Congratulations on such and such lets go out to eat" "Great recital lets have ice cream". Food relieves the bad times and makes happy times even happier. 

Which I think is why I am so frustrated. Because I have been self medicating with food for so many years and I haven't been allowing myself to do that lately. When I get depressed and frustrated I just stay depressed and frustrated. 

I have plateaued for over a week now I have lost and gained the same pound 5 or 6 times. When my husband and I were talking about our upcoming cleanse he asked me what would be a good weight loss goal for me to feel like this is successful. I said 50 pounds he thought that was too much and I should be a bit more conservative so I said "OK how about 20 pounds?" he thought that was to little so I decided to split the difference with 35 pounds. Well I blew past that about 2 weeks ago. So why am I not happy?

I think it is because I don't look in the mirror and see any difference. Don't get me wrong I never expected to look like this

But I thought this was a decent goal.

 
Not that I plan on walking around anywhere in just my bra.

But instead I feel like this

I feel like people look at me, judge me and label me as lazy and stupid. I want to stop being described as that funny fat girl. I have been that my whole life. I feel like I have missed out on friends because they take one look at me and decide we have nothing in common. I feel like I will always be that girl leaning against the wall silently begging for someone to ask her to dance. I wonder if I will ever walk in to a room and not feel like the odd man out. 

On the other hand I thank God in heaven for my husband. He has always told me I am beautiful. No matter how I feel when I look in the mirror he thinks I am beautiful. He has told me over and over again he is proud of me. I am truly blessed to have him.

OK this is getting to deep for me. I fear I am being a little too open. 

I gotta go.

 I have laundry to do. 

***UPDATE***

So I guess Starting the day out with a good cry is well......good. Because, after I posted this I took a minute to dry my eyes, did my work out, and my weigh in. 

I HIT 40 POUNDS !!!!!!!!!! 

Feels Good!  

Getting Over The Hump

Today I hit my half way point and I am feeling very discouraged. Even though my husband over and over again is telling me not to be. I have lost 38 pounds which is great but I have plateaued for about 4 days. I have lost and gained the same pound about 4 times and no matter what I do nothing is changing. Nick says "Your doing great most people take month to loose this much, be proud of yourself". I appreciate what he is saying and I am very proud if him to, he has lost 50 pounds. But it still feel like such an uphill battle.

The cravings are getting out of control. All I can think about is how I want to lock my self in a fully stocked donut shop and eat my way out of it. But that is a bad idea on many levels and it sounds really expensive. 

I did allow my self to eat one piece of cake at book club and that was not a pleasant experience. Not the eating part that was fabulous. But right around midnight I woke up with horrible stomach cramps weak legs and sweating profusely. After a long night laying on the bathroom floor(thank goodness it newly remodeled) and a whole day of welcoming death I am starting to think maybe I really am gluten intolerant.  

I am gonna miss bagels.

So here is my theory from hear on out: It's all down hill from here right? I have made it this far, everyday is a day closer to my goal. Once the cleanse is over with I can start to add a few more things that I enjoy and have a reward meal every now and then. But still plan to maintain a healthy lifestyle. We also plan to do this cleanse again in January. So I try to remind myself I will be extremely proud when I have reached my goal and I can not wait until I cross that finish line at the 5K.

The Good the Bad and the Hungry

So I am 10 days in to my cleanse and I have lost. Drum roll please............ 30 POUNDS!!!!! That's right baby 30 pounds came dripping of me like......something that drips off things.  I have been working out every day (except Sunday) and I think I have never been more proud of myself.  I have lost weight before in fact I have lost more weight than this before but this is the first time I have ever done it on purpose. When I lived in Chicago I was in a show that required me to dance on and off for 3 hours 6 shows a week, I didn't have a car so I would walk to the "L" and then walk to the Theater and then return home in the same way. So my weight just fell off me. I never really worked at it. That is why this time is so much different. I am working at it I am making the decision to be healthier. 

Not to say that this is easy. The first few days I was so hungry I didn't think I was gonna make it threw the day let alone the next 42 but I stepped on the scale and I saw the difference it was making and I figured the pit in my stomach and the bleeding headache was worth it.

My body was throwing a fit, it has become so used to having unhealthy food in such large portions. The adjustment was painful. But I pulled threw.  

But temptation is everywhere. I coach church Volleyball on Saturday mornings and the craziest thing, somebody provided self serve nachos for everyone. At 10 o'clock in the morning because everyone love breakfast nacho's right.

So I was surrounded by teenagers eating nachos on the first day of my diet. Everyday I have children want to give me treats before class and everyday I have to say no thank you. A Sister from church invited me over for lunch I told her yes but I would like to bring my own food. So of course SHE GETS PIZZA FOR EVERYONE ELSE!!!! But I resisted. That was probably the hardest one because it was really good Mom & Pops Pizzeria Pizza, that is probably my favorite.

Now here is where I am about to be a little pathetic. I have lost this 30 pounds and I am very proud of it but I don't see any physical change and my clothes aren't feeling any different. My worry is that I let my weight get so far out of control that I am going have to lose a great deal more before I get any benefit from it. But I keep telling my self that's OK  I knew it was going to be a long road and that I was going to have lo make a lot of life long changes. My Mom always used to say "The Journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step". So I am at least a few steps along. 

OK So on to my next goal. So far I have been doing 30 minutes of cardio each day. Well I am pleased to say it was getting a little to easy. So I will be bumping it up to 45 min a day. Wish me luck. 

Did you miss me

Well things have not been good when it come to my attempts to become healthier. It started in early August when I got really sick and couldn't exerciser. Then we went on vacation which was really fun but you try not eating fast food when you are on a road trip on a budget. And if you are able to do it, screw you I don't want to hear it.

Before Vacation I found out the my insurance was not going to pay for any Sleep Apnea Treatment. Evidently its not severe enough. They would prefer that I be on my death bed before they are willing to help. 

So when I got back from vacation and went to the Dr and found out I had gained 15 pounds. After a nice little crying session with the Nurse I talked to the Dr and she let me know that loosing weight with out a thyroid is nearly impossible. Then she said the 2 words I have been dreading for 2 years GLUTEN FREE. Because that sounds so much fun She also said fighting the insurance company is a lost cause. So I said go away you are not my friend.

I got extremely discouraged about my 5K. I asked a lot of people to do it with me and I got no takers. A couple people said they would but never signed up. Now I am afraid I am either going to do it alone or not at all. I haven't signed up yet because I just wanted 1 person to sign up with. I didn't want to put in the money until I knew for sure. Maybe I should just pay for it to force my self to do it. Alone is better then not at all. 

 

So after a morning of not being able to wear anything but stretchy fat pants and alot of crying my husband and I had a talk. So we are embarking on a 6 week cleanse. We are ridding our bodies of all toxins (including gluten) Lean meats fresh veggies and fruits and smaller portions. We will be weighing our food and no cheating.

To me this seems extreme but I have decided that's what I need. I can't keep doing the same thing and expect a different result. I do believe that is the definition of insanity

I have taken a before picture but I have not gotten up the courage to post it just yet. So be patient with me please. 

Shame Spiraling

So things have not been going well. I was told by my Dr's that the only way I am going to loose weight and lower my blood pressure is to starts sleeping deeply regularly. Well it doesn't look like that is going to happen anytime soon. My insurance is refusing to pay for my sleep apnea device. They said it wasn't severe enough, my Dr even did a peer to peer with the insurance Co. and they still are refusing coverage. That set me in to a pretty deep depression to find out that I have to get worse before I get any help. 

I have never thought of myself as a control freak when it comes to other people. But I fully admit that I want to be in control of my own environment. So some of you have heard about how our 35 year old house was built with plumbing that has a 25 year life span. So guess who gets to fix it. Some of you may say. "Oh replacing a few pipes no big deal". No... This is my front yard

And this is my laundry room

notice the complete lack of laundry going on. Don't get me wrong I am extremely grateful to all the friends and family that have been working and digging to make this happen. But I am kind of loosing my mind and for some reason it is causing my depression to worsen. 

On top of all this crap I was just in a car accident. 

Basically I stopped for a stop sign and the person behind me didn't. I banged up my knee and my joints are killing me. Nothing serious or permanent but I can't stop crying over EVERYTHING. I am told I have a little bit of Post Traumatic Stress. But once again my depression is deepening. 

Now don't get me wrong I have still been able to stay with not eating any fast food I was exercising up until my accident and I think I can start again tomorrow. I am still struggling with eating after 7 but I would say I succeed about 90% of the time.  

I have to admit I don't think I can give myself a goal right now. I really feel like I have so much on my plate (no pun intended) 

 that the idea of adding something else makes me want to cry. 

Like I haven't been doing that very often.

I would definitely appreciate some words of encouragement. So if you have any I would love to hear from you.

MY BIG ANNOUNCEMENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So I have a big announcement, even though some of you probably already know. I will be participating in the Nov, 16th Dallas Fall Color Run 5K. It will be my first 5K ever. I would love it if you would do it with me. I am going to sign up for the 9:00 am heat it is $45.00. http://thecolorrun.com/dallas-fall/

Last Saturday My husband and I were doing some housework and watching a show called Extreme Weight Loss. The contestant was saying that once she reaches her goal weight she wanted to do a mud run. I said to  Nick (my husband) that if I was really fit I would do a color run. He didn't know what a color run was so I looked it up and showed him how a color run is a 5K where they spray colored powder at you at every check point. He said to me "you know if you want to do a 5K that would be a phase 1 goal. Its only 3 miles"   So I looked it up and found one in November which I think is plenty of time for me to get ready. 

This is the first time I have gotten really excited about exercise. The idea of just running in a 5K doesn't interest me but this sounds like fun. Ever since I made this decision I am excited to do my work out. I even get a bit emotional when I think about it.

I can't guarantee that I will run or even jog the whole thing and I hope who ever joins me will stay with me. Please let me know if you want to do it with me. I think we would have a great time.

Well that Sucked

Well last weeks goal of adding a kettle bell to my work out was a miserable failure. You see I hate exercise I hate it more than I hate Nazi's.

Probably because I don't know any Nazi's, so I just assume they're jerks. But I just find it so excessively boring. So to entertain myself while exercising I watch TV on HULU on my desktop computer. My elliptical  is parked directly in front of the desk at the perfect distance so that I can see the monitor right over the display panel on the eliptical. But due to some needed NEVER ENDING construction in the house. The desk got moved too close to the eliptical and was blocked by the display panel. So I tried propping the laptop up to where I could see it and it caused me to turn my head to a very uncomfortable position. But after I suffered threw my work out I went to go find my kettle bell only to think back how I put it in a special place that I wouldn't forget it. But I couldn't remember where that was.

So it took me 2 days to figure out where it was and by that point the desk never got moved back. Of course all it would have taken to put it back would have been to say "Hey Honey would you help me put the desk back?" So of course I just used it as an excuse to not work out. Because as I said I love exercise ............. oh wait that wasn't me. Besides all that which I know is a crappy excuse, how the hell did I get so busy? Most people would look at my schedule and think I must have a lot of time on my hands. I have been teaching from 9 to noon and you would think by 12:30 I would be a free spirit. Yet for some reason with grocery trips, play dates, church callings and trying to keep my house from falling down somehow the day just completely got away from me.

So my battle with sleep apnea took 2 steps forward and 3 steps back this week.  On Monday I had my appointment with the Oral Surgeon that took me several months to arrange/wait for. I had my initial consultation with the Dr who spoke to me for some reason like I was extremely fragile. I must have been putting off a vibe.

Because as we all know I do kind of walk up pretty close to that fragility line. I might have had something to do with when he asked me if there was any chance of me being pregnant because he would like to do some x-rays. I told him no. He asked if I was on birth control. I said no. He asked how I knew I wasn't pregnant. I said because I am having fertility issues (is there any thing else you would like to upset me with) He still wouldn't take the x-rays.  After a quick examination he showed me the devise used for sleep apnea. My heart leaped with the idea that he was going to hand it to me and I would go home to have the best night sleep of my life. Oh contraire mon frere. 

Not only did I not get to take it home with me but I have to make another appointment to get it cast to my jaw and another appointment to after that to fit it on. After this lengthy explanation and severe disappointment he makes sure that I know that I need to loose weight. OH REALLY CAPTAIN OBVIOUS!!

Is it possible that I didn't know that. After going to Dr after Dr you think you are the first one to tell me this!

So after reminding me my daughter will remain an only child, making me wait even longer to get a good night sleep and calling me fat he makes me go and talk to his treatment coordinator. (Actually he was a very nice man I am just upset) Where she promptly tells me that my insurance will cover everything but $700 of the device. I don't know about you but I don't keep an extra Grand under my mattress. So I decide that I will be going home to tell my husband that I need to learn to deal with sleep deprivation better because at this point there is no way we will be able to afford this thing. But of course not before I was going to drown my sorrows in the first fast food drive threw I could find. But I sat in my car and reminded my self that will only make me feel worse and I should just go straight home. So I stayed on the no fast food wagon and went home. Well at least I am doing something right.

My very sweet husband em-passionately let know we will be buying it whether I like it or not. But we should call the insurance and see if we could work something out. The reason they covered so little is because they need a predetermination approval. Which doesn't make a lot of sense to me, you would think that the fact that is not a cosmetic item it wouldn't need approval. But nobody listens to me I am just the patient. But because of that my appointment that would have been next Monday the 8th got pushed back to the 29th. because we have to wait for approval.

Oh well for this weeks goal I feel like I need a bit of a reboot. I have been a little lax about eating after 7 pm and working out every day. So I am going to concentrate on those 2 things for this week. 

Once again I appreciate the support and loving comments it is one of the few things that keep me going. I really think if it weren't for this blog and all of you who support and comment I would have driven threw that fast food restaurant and would have felt horrible about myself afterward. So Thank You

I DID IT!!!!!

I cant't believe it I finally did it !!!!!!!!!!

This has got to be the first time I can remember that I have gone 7 days with out stopping for at least a $1 cheeseburger. This was not easy for me. Not at all. Even as I sit hear typing I am thinking about how nice it would be to run and grab a cheeseburger.

This week was my first week of Drama Camp and I wanted so badly every day as I drove to teach to stop and grab SOMETHING. A couple of french fries PLEASE!!! Even harder was driving home from camp by that point I was so hungry there were times I was pretty sure my truck was about to pull a Herbie forcing me into a drive threw wither I liked it or not.

By the time I got home I was starving. But I still had to make dinner and I really just wanted to eat.

I have tried this before not telling anybody but my self  that I was going to do it and I never went more then 2 days. But this time I did it. I suffered threw it and believe me I white knuckled it all the way. But I did it and I survived.

So on to my next goal. I think since my work out is going so well and although I wouldn't say it easy for me it might be time to step it up a bit. I am going to add kettle bell weights. So for those of you who read this and I hope there are at least a couple could you please let me know what a good beginners kettle bell routine is. Are we talking 2 reps of 10,10 reps of 4 or sit there and stair at it and hope it does the work for me. What do you think?

Better Late Than Never

Well I didn't post last week. The truth behind that is because my husband took the laptop to work and I don't like my desktop very much. But here comes my neediness again. NO ONE NOTICED!!!!! Just like the two Darrens from Bewitched. 

Now is the time when I vent cry and wine. Last week I was having some trouble with my allergies. Now I say allergies even though I have never had a Dr say I was allergic to this that or the other. But my ability  to breath changes with the seasons so I think its safe to say I have seasonal allergies.

 

I was having some pretty severe coughing fits, some were so bad that I literally blacked out during one. After suffering in anything but silence I went to the Dr. She was very concerned about my breathing especially because it hasn't really been that long since I had been there for a similar issue. She decided to load me up with allergy medication and steroids. Which is great because I have always wanted to look like a man. 

But on the upside it should make lifting the furniture to do housework much easier.

Now here is what threw me for a loop. They gave me a breathing test and it was conclusive that I have a low lung capacity. SERIOUSLY..... ME. The human mega phone. If I can get this kind of volume with a low lung  capacity just think what I could do with a FULL use of my lungs.   

On the other hand due to my breathing issues I have received my first inhaler. As if I wasn't nerdy enough.

And so on to the great sleep apnea conspiracy. Friday I had my appointment with the only oral surgeon my insurance would cover that took me 3 weeks  to get.  I show up to the office and where I am greeted by an empty waiting room and a friendly faced receptionist. "I am so sorry Ma'am but the Dr has been in a car accident and he is in the hospital about to go in to surgery. I am afraid we will have to reschedule your appointment."  As I struggle to hold back tears I ask "When will I be able to reschedule?" "Well we really don't know so we are starting with 3 weeks out, but we can't guarantee it won't be longer". So I lost it.

 

Which is a bit of an understatement. I cried so hard the receptionist came out from behind her glass to hug and console me.  I told her I understood that it wasn't anybodies fault it is just a bad situation. But I can't help but wonder if the first night I get a good night sleep the stock market will crash, the world will be hit by a meteor or a monkey carrying a pandemic size virus will escape from a government lab.

So I must be stopped at all costs.

So some of you have heard a little bit of the trouble we have had with the plumbing at home. I don't really want to get in to it but long story short the toilet is not where it should be and we currently do not have a working shower in the house. Needless to say this has caused a great deal of stress. All this stress in combination with working out and not eating late somehow has translating in to GAINING 8 POUNDS. How the HELL did that happen. So of course being the completely rational logical person I am, decided to drown my sorrows in a double cheese burger, fried zucchini, large dr. pepper and salted caramel ice cream waffle cone.  I convinced my self that this was never going to work and I am just not one of the lucky healthy people of this world. This was just me giving up. So I took the day to cry. The next day I put on my big girl panties and got back on the elliptical. 

Which brings me to my goal this week. This is meant to be done in baby steps but my next goal is not a baby step, at least not to me. So I guess its honesty time. I eat way to much fast food. It needs to stop. I am pretty sure it was a habit I started while on tour it was cheaper to go to a drive-threw than a sit down restaurant. I think I developed a bit of an  addiction to it. No I do not believe that I need re-hab or that I am in the same position as a crack addict. But I do believe that the brain reacts to certain foods and effects the pleasure centers. The more you give in to it the harder it is to stop giving in to it. So its gotta be done.

No more for me. This one is gonna suck.

Disaster Will Robinson!!!!!

WELL THAT SUCKED!!!!!! I woke up every day with the greatest intentions of working out. Yet everyday something got in my way. Mostly myself. I only worked out twice this week. I was exhausted everyday this week. I know that it is not a good excuse but it is the one I am going with.

My sleep Apnea is becoming debilitating. I can barely get through the day with out taking a 2 hour nap in the middle  On top of that my insurance is refusing to cover the oral surgeon I was referred to. My ENT sent me to this oral surgeon and my appointment was supposed to be today. But they are not covered by my insurance. SO I called my insurance to see if they could help me find someone that was covered. They said there was no Dr with in 100 miles of me that works with sleep apnea. So I would have to apply for "out of network pre-certification". "OK so lets do that". Several days later I get a call telling me I am being denied pre-certification because there was an in network  Dr. in Plano.  WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME THAT A WEEK AGO!!!!! Fine I am not picky just give me a Dr. So I make another appointment with the new Dr. "Of course we can fit you in, IN 3 WEEKS"

AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH COME ON!!!!

So of course I have my regular 3 month appointment with my Endocrinologist and find out my thyroid levels are low again so they have to change my medication again. My calcium is dangerously low and my blood pressure is dangerously high.  I asked what I can do about this because I am doing everything I have been told by my Dr's. She says very sympathetically "get a good night sleep"

I WANT MY MOMMY!!!!!!

So my goal for this week is to try again. 30 min of aerobic exercises a day. 

 I am afraid I am going to have to add some caffeine to my morning even though my Dr wants me off caffeine. But I just don't see any other way.

So for those of you who are tempted to make a comment on how I just wasn't trying hard enough and I am just lazy. I will find you and I will give you a black eye

My Kryptonite

So its Monday and I am working hard on sticking to my goal of Blogging once a week. I am on week 2 so HAZZA for me. I only say that slightly sarcastically because the truth is I did think of giving up already. Just because I got a great deal of response on my first blog entry and I greatly appreciate all the kind words but I didn't get a single response for my second entry. Being the glutton for attention that I am I started thinking that no one was going to stick to this with me.

 Then I reminded myself not to be so needy.

Sometimes I am both the child and the parent. But aren't we all.

My goal of not eating after 7 was a semi success. I do hope anyone who is reading this (and I hope there are at least a few) doesn't think that I am somehow ever going to be perfect  when I start these goals, because I defiantly was not. On Monday the day I set the goal my sweet students of the DKI Acting Academy were devastated when we didn't have a scheduled cast party after our show. So they wanted to get together one last time. So I suggested Scrumbciouse Pie and Burger Co. in Mesquite. (Holy Cow there food is so good) and even though my goal that week had nothing to do with what I was eating just when I was eating.I still felt the need to make a smart choice so I got the salad instead of the burger. GOOD FOR ME. It was a yummy salad and I was happy to have it.I finished it around 6:45 pm and the party was not over until 8:00 pm. I kept telling my self to gulp down water. But then when the sweet girl across from me got a piece of pie and didn't want any of her crust and offered it to me. PIE CRUST IS MY KRYPTONITE!!!!!

 I ate it at about 7:15 pm. (Head shaking in shame)

On Tuesday we finished dinner and as my daughter was in the shower and the family was winding down for the day I was putting away dinner packing my husbands lunch and with out even thinking shoved a piece of garlic bread in my mouth. I panicked at looked at the clock..... 7:10 pm. Oh and by the way GARLIC BREAD IS MY KRYPTONITE TOO!!!!!!  

On Wednesday, Thursday and Friday I did quite well. As much as I wanted to eat after 7 I was able to restrain. Even when my husband made a huge bowl of buttery popcorn. There are few things in this world I love more than buttery popcorn. I am pretty my list goes My Husband, My Daughter, then buttery popcorn. but my will power held out.  I found my self bargaining with my self at one point. "If I eat the popcorn now I just stay up until Midnight right" well no because I was having a hard time staying up til 10 as it was.

I have a wonderfully supportive husband who cheers me on and applauds my strength, efforts and will power......as he eats his late night cookies and treats. I am not mad at him he has his own demons to fight.

My second goal for the week was to do what was needed to get my sleep apnea mouth guard. My ENT was not getting any response from the oral surgeon they were trying to get a hold of. So in the politest way possible I threatened them with my business no longer continuing with them. What do you know it worked. By the next day I had an appointment with another oral surgeon. Unfortunately its not until next week. So hopefully my days of sleep deprivation are numbered because like most people SLEEP DEPRIVATION  IS MY KRYPTONITE AS WELL!!!!!!!!!!!!

So this week my goal is to add 30 minutes of aerobic exercise to my day. Which is hard for me because 

I have never been able to stick to that for very long

So Please Pray For Me..............No Really.