Shame Spiraling

So things have not been going well. I was told by my Dr's that the only way I am going to loose weight and lower my blood pressure is to starts sleeping deeply regularly. Well it doesn't look like that is going to happen anytime soon. My insurance is refusing to pay for my sleep apnea device. They said it wasn't severe enough, my Dr even did a peer to peer with the insurance Co. and they still are refusing coverage. That set me in to a pretty deep depression to find out that I have to get worse before I get any help. 

I have never thought of myself as a control freak when it comes to other people. But I fully admit that I want to be in control of my own environment. So some of you have heard about how our 35 year old house was built with plumbing that has a 25 year life span. So guess who gets to fix it. Some of you may say. "Oh replacing a few pipes no big deal". No... This is my front yard

And this is my laundry room

notice the complete lack of laundry going on. Don't get me wrong I am extremely grateful to all the friends and family that have been working and digging to make this happen. But I am kind of loosing my mind and for some reason it is causing my depression to worsen. 

On top of all this crap I was just in a car accident. 

Basically I stopped for a stop sign and the person behind me didn't. I banged up my knee and my joints are killing me. Nothing serious or permanent but I can't stop crying over EVERYTHING. I am told I have a little bit of Post Traumatic Stress. But once again my depression is deepening. 

Now don't get me wrong I have still been able to stay with not eating any fast food I was exercising up until my accident and I think I can start again tomorrow. I am still struggling with eating after 7 but I would say I succeed about 90% of the time.  

I have to admit I don't think I can give myself a goal right now. I really feel like I have so much on my plate (no pun intended) 

 that the idea of adding something else makes me want to cry. 

Like I haven't been doing that very often.

I would definitely appreciate some words of encouragement. So if you have any I would love to hear from you.

MY BIG ANNOUNCEMENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So I have a big announcement, even though some of you probably already know. I will be participating in the Nov, 16th Dallas Fall Color Run 5K. It will be my first 5K ever. I would love it if you would do it with me. I am going to sign up for the 9:00 am heat it is $45.00. http://thecolorrun.com/dallas-fall/

Last Saturday My husband and I were doing some housework and watching a show called Extreme Weight Loss. The contestant was saying that once she reaches her goal weight she wanted to do a mud run. I said to  Nick (my husband) that if I was really fit I would do a color run. He didn't know what a color run was so I looked it up and showed him how a color run is a 5K where they spray colored powder at you at every check point. He said to me "you know if you want to do a 5K that would be a phase 1 goal. Its only 3 miles"   So I looked it up and found one in November which I think is plenty of time for me to get ready. 

This is the first time I have gotten really excited about exercise. The idea of just running in a 5K doesn't interest me but this sounds like fun. Ever since I made this decision I am excited to do my work out. I even get a bit emotional when I think about it.

I can't guarantee that I will run or even jog the whole thing and I hope who ever joins me will stay with me. Please let me know if you want to do it with me. I think we would have a great time.

Well that Sucked

Well last weeks goal of adding a kettle bell to my work out was a miserable failure. You see I hate exercise I hate it more than I hate Nazi's.

Probably because I don't know any Nazi's, so I just assume they're jerks. But I just find it so excessively boring. So to entertain myself while exercising I watch TV on HULU on my desktop computer. My elliptical  is parked directly in front of the desk at the perfect distance so that I can see the monitor right over the display panel on the eliptical. But due to some needed NEVER ENDING construction in the house. The desk got moved too close to the eliptical and was blocked by the display panel. So I tried propping the laptop up to where I could see it and it caused me to turn my head to a very uncomfortable position. But after I suffered threw my work out I went to go find my kettle bell only to think back how I put it in a special place that I wouldn't forget it. But I couldn't remember where that was.

So it took me 2 days to figure out where it was and by that point the desk never got moved back. Of course all it would have taken to put it back would have been to say "Hey Honey would you help me put the desk back?" So of course I just used it as an excuse to not work out. Because as I said I love exercise ............. oh wait that wasn't me. Besides all that which I know is a crappy excuse, how the hell did I get so busy? Most people would look at my schedule and think I must have a lot of time on my hands. I have been teaching from 9 to noon and you would think by 12:30 I would be a free spirit. Yet for some reason with grocery trips, play dates, church callings and trying to keep my house from falling down somehow the day just completely got away from me.

So my battle with sleep apnea took 2 steps forward and 3 steps back this week.  On Monday I had my appointment with the Oral Surgeon that took me several months to arrange/wait for. I had my initial consultation with the Dr who spoke to me for some reason like I was extremely fragile. I must have been putting off a vibe.

Because as we all know I do kind of walk up pretty close to that fragility line. I might have had something to do with when he asked me if there was any chance of me being pregnant because he would like to do some x-rays. I told him no. He asked if I was on birth control. I said no. He asked how I knew I wasn't pregnant. I said because I am having fertility issues (is there any thing else you would like to upset me with) He still wouldn't take the x-rays.  After a quick examination he showed me the devise used for sleep apnea. My heart leaped with the idea that he was going to hand it to me and I would go home to have the best night sleep of my life. Oh contraire mon frere. 

Not only did I not get to take it home with me but I have to make another appointment to get it cast to my jaw and another appointment to after that to fit it on. After this lengthy explanation and severe disappointment he makes sure that I know that I need to loose weight. OH REALLY CAPTAIN OBVIOUS!!

Is it possible that I didn't know that. After going to Dr after Dr you think you are the first one to tell me this!

So after reminding me my daughter will remain an only child, making me wait even longer to get a good night sleep and calling me fat he makes me go and talk to his treatment coordinator. (Actually he was a very nice man I am just upset) Where she promptly tells me that my insurance will cover everything but $700 of the device. I don't know about you but I don't keep an extra Grand under my mattress. So I decide that I will be going home to tell my husband that I need to learn to deal with sleep deprivation better because at this point there is no way we will be able to afford this thing. But of course not before I was going to drown my sorrows in the first fast food drive threw I could find. But I sat in my car and reminded my self that will only make me feel worse and I should just go straight home. So I stayed on the no fast food wagon and went home. Well at least I am doing something right.

My very sweet husband em-passionately let know we will be buying it whether I like it or not. But we should call the insurance and see if we could work something out. The reason they covered so little is because they need a predetermination approval. Which doesn't make a lot of sense to me, you would think that the fact that is not a cosmetic item it wouldn't need approval. But nobody listens to me I am just the patient. But because of that my appointment that would have been next Monday the 8th got pushed back to the 29th. because we have to wait for approval.

Oh well for this weeks goal I feel like I need a bit of a reboot. I have been a little lax about eating after 7 pm and working out every day. So I am going to concentrate on those 2 things for this week. 

Once again I appreciate the support and loving comments it is one of the few things that keep me going. I really think if it weren't for this blog and all of you who support and comment I would have driven threw that fast food restaurant and would have felt horrible about myself afterward. So Thank You