HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So I just walk /jogged 3 mile. Which I believe is a 5K, it took me a little less then an hour I only jogged about 10% of it plus I am sure I jog like a little old lady. My Color Run 5K is this Saturday. I am afraid I am going to look like an idiot. What do I do? I don't want to look like this.

I thought I hit rock bottom but not yet.

So who wants me to explain my title?

Well good because its my blog and I was going to do it anyway. SO my last blog entry I felt a little like I had hit rock bottom. Which I thought was actually a good thing.

I have heard over and over again. Get "over the hump and its all down hill from there" and  "Once you hit rock bottom there is no place to go but up". But it feels like it is just getting harder.

For years I was lying to myself about being an emotional eater. I always thought that I was just someone who loved eating bad food just because it tastes good. I didn't think I was attaching it to any thing emotional. It has only been in the last few years that I have begun to understand how truly unhealthy my eating habits are.

I think the realization came to me one day when I was really depressed, it was the 5 year anniversary of my sisters death and I thought "I am just going to run through  a drive threw and that will make me feel better." So I did, and it did. That day I thought back to all the times things got difficult in my life. When I was a kid and my Dad had a heart attack, every single person we knew showed up on our door step with food. Every time someone in my family was sick, those sweet Mormon women would shower my family with food. The week of my sisters funeral was a 24/7 all you can eat buffet. Even in happy times, "Happy Birthday here's a cake" "Congratulations on such and such lets go out to eat" "Great recital lets have ice cream". Food relieves the bad times and makes happy times even happier. 

Which I think is why I am so frustrated. Because I have been self medicating with food for so many years and I haven't been allowing myself to do that lately. When I get depressed and frustrated I just stay depressed and frustrated. 

I have plateaued for over a week now I have lost and gained the same pound 5 or 6 times. When my husband and I were talking about our upcoming cleanse he asked me what would be a good weight loss goal for me to feel like this is successful. I said 50 pounds he thought that was too much and I should be a bit more conservative so I said "OK how about 20 pounds?" he thought that was to little so I decided to split the difference with 35 pounds. Well I blew past that about 2 weeks ago. So why am I not happy?

I think it is because I don't look in the mirror and see any difference. Don't get me wrong I never expected to look like this

But I thought this was a decent goal.

 
Not that I plan on walking around anywhere in just my bra.

But instead I feel like this

I feel like people look at me, judge me and label me as lazy and stupid. I want to stop being described as that funny fat girl. I have been that my whole life. I feel like I have missed out on friends because they take one look at me and decide we have nothing in common. I feel like I will always be that girl leaning against the wall silently begging for someone to ask her to dance. I wonder if I will ever walk in to a room and not feel like the odd man out. 

On the other hand I thank God in heaven for my husband. He has always told me I am beautiful. No matter how I feel when I look in the mirror he thinks I am beautiful. He has told me over and over again he is proud of me. I am truly blessed to have him.

OK this is getting to deep for me. I fear I am being a little too open. 

I gotta go.

 I have laundry to do. 

***UPDATE***

So I guess Starting the day out with a good cry is well......good. Because, after I posted this I took a minute to dry my eyes, did my work out, and my weigh in. 

I HIT 40 POUNDS !!!!!!!!!! 

Feels Good!  

Getting Over The Hump

Today I hit my half way point and I am feeling very discouraged. Even though my husband over and over again is telling me not to be. I have lost 38 pounds which is great but I have plateaued for about 4 days. I have lost and gained the same pound about 4 times and no matter what I do nothing is changing. Nick says "Your doing great most people take month to loose this much, be proud of yourself". I appreciate what he is saying and I am very proud if him to, he has lost 50 pounds. But it still feel like such an uphill battle.

The cravings are getting out of control. All I can think about is how I want to lock my self in a fully stocked donut shop and eat my way out of it. But that is a bad idea on many levels and it sounds really expensive. 

I did allow my self to eat one piece of cake at book club and that was not a pleasant experience. Not the eating part that was fabulous. But right around midnight I woke up with horrible stomach cramps weak legs and sweating profusely. After a long night laying on the bathroom floor(thank goodness it newly remodeled) and a whole day of welcoming death I am starting to think maybe I really am gluten intolerant.  

I am gonna miss bagels.

So here is my theory from hear on out: It's all down hill from here right? I have made it this far, everyday is a day closer to my goal. Once the cleanse is over with I can start to add a few more things that I enjoy and have a reward meal every now and then. But still plan to maintain a healthy lifestyle. We also plan to do this cleanse again in January. So I try to remind myself I will be extremely proud when I have reached my goal and I can not wait until I cross that finish line at the 5K.

The Good the Bad and the Hungry

So I am 10 days in to my cleanse and I have lost. Drum roll please............ 30 POUNDS!!!!! That's right baby 30 pounds came dripping of me like......something that drips off things.  I have been working out every day (except Sunday) and I think I have never been more proud of myself.  I have lost weight before in fact I have lost more weight than this before but this is the first time I have ever done it on purpose. When I lived in Chicago I was in a show that required me to dance on and off for 3 hours 6 shows a week, I didn't have a car so I would walk to the "L" and then walk to the Theater and then return home in the same way. So my weight just fell off me. I never really worked at it. That is why this time is so much different. I am working at it I am making the decision to be healthier. 

Not to say that this is easy. The first few days I was so hungry I didn't think I was gonna make it threw the day let alone the next 42 but I stepped on the scale and I saw the difference it was making and I figured the pit in my stomach and the bleeding headache was worth it.

My body was throwing a fit, it has become so used to having unhealthy food in such large portions. The adjustment was painful. But I pulled threw.  

But temptation is everywhere. I coach church Volleyball on Saturday mornings and the craziest thing, somebody provided self serve nachos for everyone. At 10 o'clock in the morning because everyone love breakfast nacho's right.

So I was surrounded by teenagers eating nachos on the first day of my diet. Everyday I have children want to give me treats before class and everyday I have to say no thank you. A Sister from church invited me over for lunch I told her yes but I would like to bring my own food. So of course SHE GETS PIZZA FOR EVERYONE ELSE!!!! But I resisted. That was probably the hardest one because it was really good Mom & Pops Pizzeria Pizza, that is probably my favorite.

Now here is where I am about to be a little pathetic. I have lost this 30 pounds and I am very proud of it but I don't see any physical change and my clothes aren't feeling any different. My worry is that I let my weight get so far out of control that I am going have to lose a great deal more before I get any benefit from it. But I keep telling my self that's OK  I knew it was going to be a long road and that I was going to have lo make a lot of life long changes. My Mom always used to say "The Journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step". So I am at least a few steps along. 

OK So on to my next goal. So far I have been doing 30 minutes of cardio each day. Well I am pleased to say it was getting a little to easy. So I will be bumping it up to 45 min a day. Wish me luck. 

Did you miss me

Well things have not been good when it come to my attempts to become healthier. It started in early August when I got really sick and couldn't exerciser. Then we went on vacation which was really fun but you try not eating fast food when you are on a road trip on a budget. And if you are able to do it, screw you I don't want to hear it.

Before Vacation I found out the my insurance was not going to pay for any Sleep Apnea Treatment. Evidently its not severe enough. They would prefer that I be on my death bed before they are willing to help. 

So when I got back from vacation and went to the Dr and found out I had gained 15 pounds. After a nice little crying session with the Nurse I talked to the Dr and she let me know that loosing weight with out a thyroid is nearly impossible. Then she said the 2 words I have been dreading for 2 years GLUTEN FREE. Because that sounds so much fun She also said fighting the insurance company is a lost cause. So I said go away you are not my friend.

I got extremely discouraged about my 5K. I asked a lot of people to do it with me and I got no takers. A couple people said they would but never signed up. Now I am afraid I am either going to do it alone or not at all. I haven't signed up yet because I just wanted 1 person to sign up with. I didn't want to put in the money until I knew for sure. Maybe I should just pay for it to force my self to do it. Alone is better then not at all. 

 

So after a morning of not being able to wear anything but stretchy fat pants and alot of crying my husband and I had a talk. So we are embarking on a 6 week cleanse. We are ridding our bodies of all toxins (including gluten) Lean meats fresh veggies and fruits and smaller portions. We will be weighing our food and no cheating.

To me this seems extreme but I have decided that's what I need. I can't keep doing the same thing and expect a different result. I do believe that is the definition of insanity

I have taken a before picture but I have not gotten up the courage to post it just yet. So be patient with me please. 

Shame Spiraling

So things have not been going well. I was told by my Dr's that the only way I am going to loose weight and lower my blood pressure is to starts sleeping deeply regularly. Well it doesn't look like that is going to happen anytime soon. My insurance is refusing to pay for my sleep apnea device. They said it wasn't severe enough, my Dr even did a peer to peer with the insurance Co. and they still are refusing coverage. That set me in to a pretty deep depression to find out that I have to get worse before I get any help. 

I have never thought of myself as a control freak when it comes to other people. But I fully admit that I want to be in control of my own environment. So some of you have heard about how our 35 year old house was built with plumbing that has a 25 year life span. So guess who gets to fix it. Some of you may say. "Oh replacing a few pipes no big deal". No... This is my front yard

And this is my laundry room

notice the complete lack of laundry going on. Don't get me wrong I am extremely grateful to all the friends and family that have been working and digging to make this happen. But I am kind of loosing my mind and for some reason it is causing my depression to worsen. 

On top of all this crap I was just in a car accident. 

Basically I stopped for a stop sign and the person behind me didn't. I banged up my knee and my joints are killing me. Nothing serious or permanent but I can't stop crying over EVERYTHING. I am told I have a little bit of Post Traumatic Stress. But once again my depression is deepening. 

Now don't get me wrong I have still been able to stay with not eating any fast food I was exercising up until my accident and I think I can start again tomorrow. I am still struggling with eating after 7 but I would say I succeed about 90% of the time.  

I have to admit I don't think I can give myself a goal right now. I really feel like I have so much on my plate (no pun intended) 

 that the idea of adding something else makes me want to cry. 

Like I haven't been doing that very often.

I would definitely appreciate some words of encouragement. So if you have any I would love to hear from you.

MY BIG ANNOUNCEMENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So I have a big announcement, even though some of you probably already know. I will be participating in the Nov, 16th Dallas Fall Color Run 5K. It will be my first 5K ever. I would love it if you would do it with me. I am going to sign up for the 9:00 am heat it is $45.00. http://thecolorrun.com/dallas-fall/

Last Saturday My husband and I were doing some housework and watching a show called Extreme Weight Loss. The contestant was saying that once she reaches her goal weight she wanted to do a mud run. I said to  Nick (my husband) that if I was really fit I would do a color run. He didn't know what a color run was so I looked it up and showed him how a color run is a 5K where they spray colored powder at you at every check point. He said to me "you know if you want to do a 5K that would be a phase 1 goal. Its only 3 miles"   So I looked it up and found one in November which I think is plenty of time for me to get ready. 

This is the first time I have gotten really excited about exercise. The idea of just running in a 5K doesn't interest me but this sounds like fun. Ever since I made this decision I am excited to do my work out. I even get a bit emotional when I think about it.

I can't guarantee that I will run or even jog the whole thing and I hope who ever joins me will stay with me. Please let me know if you want to do it with me. I think we would have a great time.