I thought I hit rock bottom but not yet.

So who wants me to explain my title?

Well good because its my blog and I was going to do it anyway. SO my last blog entry I felt a little like I had hit rock bottom. Which I thought was actually a good thing.

I have heard over and over again. Get "over the hump and its all down hill from there" and  "Once you hit rock bottom there is no place to go but up". But it feels like it is just getting harder.

For years I was lying to myself about being an emotional eater. I always thought that I was just someone who loved eating bad food just because it tastes good. I didn't think I was attaching it to any thing emotional. It has only been in the last few years that I have begun to understand how truly unhealthy my eating habits are.

I think the realization came to me one day when I was really depressed, it was the 5 year anniversary of my sisters death and I thought "I am just going to run through  a drive threw and that will make me feel better." So I did, and it did. That day I thought back to all the times things got difficult in my life. When I was a kid and my Dad had a heart attack, every single person we knew showed up on our door step with food. Every time someone in my family was sick, those sweet Mormon women would shower my family with food. The week of my sisters funeral was a 24/7 all you can eat buffet. Even in happy times, "Happy Birthday here's a cake" "Congratulations on such and such lets go out to eat" "Great recital lets have ice cream". Food relieves the bad times and makes happy times even happier. 

Which I think is why I am so frustrated. Because I have been self medicating with food for so many years and I haven't been allowing myself to do that lately. When I get depressed and frustrated I just stay depressed and frustrated. 

I have plateaued for over a week now I have lost and gained the same pound 5 or 6 times. When my husband and I were talking about our upcoming cleanse he asked me what would be a good weight loss goal for me to feel like this is successful. I said 50 pounds he thought that was too much and I should be a bit more conservative so I said "OK how about 20 pounds?" he thought that was to little so I decided to split the difference with 35 pounds. Well I blew past that about 2 weeks ago. So why am I not happy?

I think it is because I don't look in the mirror and see any difference. Don't get me wrong I never expected to look like this

But I thought this was a decent goal.

 
Not that I plan on walking around anywhere in just my bra.

But instead I feel like this

I feel like people look at me, judge me and label me as lazy and stupid. I want to stop being described as that funny fat girl. I have been that my whole life. I feel like I have missed out on friends because they take one look at me and decide we have nothing in common. I feel like I will always be that girl leaning against the wall silently begging for someone to ask her to dance. I wonder if I will ever walk in to a room and not feel like the odd man out. 

On the other hand I thank God in heaven for my husband. He has always told me I am beautiful. No matter how I feel when I look in the mirror he thinks I am beautiful. He has told me over and over again he is proud of me. I am truly blessed to have him.

OK this is getting to deep for me. I fear I am being a little too open. 

I gotta go.

 I have laundry to do. 

***UPDATE***

So I guess Starting the day out with a good cry is well......good. Because, after I posted this I took a minute to dry my eyes, did my work out, and my weigh in. 

I HIT 40 POUNDS !!!!!!!!!! 

Feels Good!  

Getting Over The Hump

Today I hit my half way point and I am feeling very discouraged. Even though my husband over and over again is telling me not to be. I have lost 38 pounds which is great but I have plateaued for about 4 days. I have lost and gained the same pound about 4 times and no matter what I do nothing is changing. Nick says "Your doing great most people take month to loose this much, be proud of yourself". I appreciate what he is saying and I am very proud if him to, he has lost 50 pounds. But it still feel like such an uphill battle.

The cravings are getting out of control. All I can think about is how I want to lock my self in a fully stocked donut shop and eat my way out of it. But that is a bad idea on many levels and it sounds really expensive. 

I did allow my self to eat one piece of cake at book club and that was not a pleasant experience. Not the eating part that was fabulous. But right around midnight I woke up with horrible stomach cramps weak legs and sweating profusely. After a long night laying on the bathroom floor(thank goodness it newly remodeled) and a whole day of welcoming death I am starting to think maybe I really am gluten intolerant.  

I am gonna miss bagels.

So here is my theory from hear on out: It's all down hill from here right? I have made it this far, everyday is a day closer to my goal. Once the cleanse is over with I can start to add a few more things that I enjoy and have a reward meal every now and then. But still plan to maintain a healthy lifestyle. We also plan to do this cleanse again in January. So I try to remind myself I will be extremely proud when I have reached my goal and I can not wait until I cross that finish line at the 5K.